How the heck was that only episode three of The Bachelor?
We're feeling some serious episode eight-style fatigue over here, and we think we have to blame Corinne. She's this season's Olivia, but she's also so far beyond Olivia that she's already this season's Corinne, and we'll be struggling to name the Corinne of every season to come.
The Backstreet Boys were in tonight's episode, and somehow, Corinne managed to bulldoze over them and the other 20-some women to dominate the entire night. And while we were poised to hate her last week, this week we learned that she's a really complicated woman.
Corinne's fine with walking around a party in nothing but a trench coat, but she can't fathom the idea of Nick saying no to her mid-party proposition, and she has no problem just taking her trench coat to sleep and ditching the rose ceremony.
Corinne hates and knows she is bad at "planned dancing," but she's sure that the only reason she didn't get the group date rose was because Nick wouldn't give it to her twice in a row. Otherwise, she was a lock.
And yes, she has a nanny who does everything for her, but she only still has that nanny because waiting on Corinne hand and foot makes Racquel happy, and who is Corinne to take away Racquel's happiness?
The other women can't stand Corinne, but Nick likes her because she's good at "stimulating chemistry" between them. We kinda thought chemistry was, by definition, something that didn't have to be stimulated, but maybe Nick's thinking of actual, scientific chemistry, which typically does require some kind of stimulating action. Maybe he thinks Corinne is a scientist? Either way, he's probably gonna keep giving her roses, and it's probably never going to make any sense.
In light of all the Corinne-ness, the other women in the house seem to be sort of desperate. They don't want to take off all their clothes and beg for sex, but they also see that it seems to be working for Corinne, and all they want right now is to figure out how to stay in the game long enough for Nick to actually get to know them. Then again, do they want to get to know the guy who can be so swayed by boobs and fake science? It's a tricky sitch, for sure.
In fact, Corinne's hold on the mansion was so distracting that we had almost completely forgotten about Liz having been sent home, and about Nick's determination to tell all the women about his sexual past with Liz. It turned out to be highly uninteresting. They kind of cried for a minute, but apparently soon realized that there's no reason to care that Nick once had a one night stand with a woman who's no longer on the show. So they got over it, and so did we. Bye, all the Liz drama!
We had also forgotten about the upcoming rose ceremony, which was vastly uninteresting other than Corinne skipping it in favor of sleeping. (To be honest, we can't blame the girl for going to bed instead of standing their awkwardly naked in her coat.) We had no memory of any of the women who were sent home, and by the time the episode was over, we didn't remember a single one of their names.
With that out of the way, it was time for the first group date, which involved learning to be a background dancer for the Backstreet Boys. Corinne's freakout was reminiscent of Olivia's talent show meltdown last season, but at least she didn't have to perform by herself while we cringed ourselves to death. She just danced somewhat awkwardly while Danielle L. won the prize of a solo dance with Nick, and then subsequently won the rose.
Meanwhile, Jasmine learned about Corinne's nanny, and was so blown away by the fact that this grown woman—who apparently runs a business!—still relies on a nanny to do everything from waking her up to making her bed to cooking her cheese pasta that she probably has still not recovered, many months later. We will never recover. We have to imagine that as soon as Nick learns that if he marries Corinne, Racquel will come along with her, Corinne will be gone. Right? Hopefully?
Tonight's one on one went to Vanessa, who had been very concerned about her status among the women, since she hadn't spent much time with Nick.
In a lot of ways, her date was a disaster, because we consider any and all instances of throwing up to be a bit of a disaster. In most other ways, the date was perfect. They got to hang out in a plane that made it feel like you were in space, and they spun around a few times before making out in the air. It was all cute until Vanessa got nauseous, and had to make good use of an airsickness bag for a while.
She was mortified, but Nick was very nice about it, and comforted her in her difficult time of throwing up on national television.
Then, they sob story-ed together, and she got the rose.
The second group date involved something called a Nickathalon, which was mostly just a lot of silly track and field-esque events centered around Nick and ending with (what else?) a hot tub. It was fine and should have just been a silly date, but Dominique started panicking somewhere in the middle and had a complete meltdown.
She spent the entire post-date cocktail party completely freaking out, and she continued to freak out when she finally got time with Nick, in front of Nick. We then learned that Nick loves it when you take off your clothes, but he does not like it when you have a panic attack in front of him about your relationship, because he explained that he did not think his relationship with Dominique could end in an engagement, and he had to let her go.
To be fair though, Dominique did pretty much everything wrong. She used her moment with Nick to act as if they had been dating for months and he wasn't paying her enough attention, not realizing that this was supposed to be the start of him paying her attention. He probably didn't even know her name yet, but saying you're not getting enough attention is not the way to get his attention.
This is clearly not the best dating environment for Dominique, so we wish her well in the real, regular world.
Up next, it was time to get rid of the typical pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and instead get everyone into bikinis, and then out of them, if you're Corinne. She continued to really drive home the fact that she wants to have sex with Nick by straddling him by the pool. It was a lot, and some of the other women had had enough.
It was actually Vanessa who confronted Nick, and basically asked the question we've all been asking for the past two episodes: if Corinne and Corinne's behavior is what Nick wants, what's even the point of the rest of them being there and keeping their clothes on?
Unfortunately, we'll have to wait to hear how that conversation ends, but we did then get a couple of awkward minutes of Josephine singing. There's nothing we like less than one person improvising a song with no prompting, so what a great note to end on!
Will next week bring an end to Corinne's madness, or will she and Nick and Racquel end up happily married at the end of all this? Will Vanessa stay despite Corinne? Will Corinne ever make it through an episode with all her clothes on? We'll find out!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.